


It’s Not Your Father’s Fault You Fail

by ibelieve_whiteflag_aslansdefender



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Addiction, Because he breaks people, Bromance, Doubt, Gen, Good Peter, Harley Keener Needs a Hug, Harley and Peter are bros, Harley needs a dad, Harley’s not really worried, Heartbroken Tony, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt/Comfort, Irondad, Ironsons, More tags to be added, Nightmares, No gay or smut sorry it’s just not my thing, Panic Attacks, Parent Tony Stark, Peter And Harley are scarred kids, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Good Bro, Peter Parker is a Mess, Peter Tries, Peter tries to take care of Harley, Poor Harley, Poor Peter, Poor Tony, Precious Peter Parker, Rambling, Scared Peter Parker, Self-worth struggles, They need Tony, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Acting as Harley Keener's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony breaks nice things, Tony is responsible for two lives, Tony’s trying, Underoos, Worried Peter, Worried Tony, Worried Tony Stark, because that’s what this is all about, but he tries, but no hate!, but not really, but this is actually the boys’ fault, constructive criticism aprechiated, dependent Peter and Harley, journey to discovering self worth, platonic, screwdrivers, single parent tony stark, the mechanic, their not his kids, they were left home alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 06:08:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20253412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ibelieve_whiteflag_aslansdefender/pseuds/ibelieve_whiteflag_aslansdefender
Summary: “The Snitches Get Sold protocol prohibits me from expounding any further details on Sirs Keener’s and Parker’s whereabouts.”“Sir-I will have to activate Break The Chain protocol and remove you from Mr. Parker’s and Mr. Keener’s presence.”“It’s okay Har, it’s alright, everything’s gonna be okay-“





	It’s Not Your Father’s Fault You Fail

Later, when the insanity is reversed, and Peter and Harley are themselves again, they’ll say they learned a very valuable lesson. Harley will say the lesson was Dad’s don’t always leave. Sometimes they stay. Peter will think the lesson was being Spider-Man is infinitely better than being Antman. Shrinking sucks.

Tony will start cussing and say the lesson is don’t leave two idiots alone without a babysitter. 

“Don’t you sass me young man! Do you know the week I’ve had?! I started the week with a smashing argument with the only woman who keeps my heart pumping, followed by a personal record of no sleep for one hundred and twelve hours. I haven’t ingested anything other than coffee in at least half that time _ and if you say that’s my own fault I will sell you for junk parts! _ Then _ you _ interrupted my well deserved AC/DC coping with the call from Rhodey and, in case you weren’t paying attention- _ he and Happy hate me and are not speaking to me until I ‘ _ _ get my act together’ with my fiancé! _ I left them _ right here _ for two seconds while he yelled at me and their _ not here! _ So I’m going to ask _ one more time _ very slowly- And if you don’t give me the truth this time I will give DUMME free rein to your programming so _ I suggest you think carefully- _ where. Are. They?” 

Tony finished the last threat at a growl as he spun around once again, scanning for the troublemakers he hadn’t seen the last three times he’d spun. 

He saw Peter’s Star Wars backpack on the floor beside a scattering of papers scrawled with chicken scratch. He saw Harley’s open laptop on their desk with the screen still active. He saw Peter’s web shooters and Harley’s suit sketches. He saw Harley’s boots thrown in the corner and Peter’s unhealthily large pile of candy wrappers.

But no teenagers.

“They are in the lab, Sir, as I’ve said. Do you want me to schedule a hearing appointment?”

“Strike two, J, last chance or I’m selling you to the preschoolers!”

“The Snitches Get Sold protocol prohibits me from expounding any further details on Sirs Keener’s and Parker’s whereabouts.”

Tony stopped spinning, stopped completely.

“The what protocol?!” He finally manages, completely flabbergasted.

Surely they hadn’t-?

“The Snitches Get Sold protocol installed remotely from your StarkPad that prohibits me from from accessing protocols Home Alone, Babysitter’s Emergency Contacts, Babies’ Checkup, Boo-Boo Prevention, Bedtime, And all ‘Underoos monitoring’ protocols.”

They had.

Tony felt the blood drain from his face as Jarvis’s words suddenly hit him.

They had turned off _ all _ of his monitoring protocols. The ones that alerted him if they were getting into something they shouldn’t. Or if they were hurt. Or kidnapped. They had shut off their _ protection! _

He was _ so _calling their Aunt and Mother and getting them grounded!

“J, be a dear and set a reminder: kick brats’ butts. Override the protocol, _ AlphaStrongestAvenger: Iamironman.” _

Jarvis hummed slightly as though processing the words. Then he seemed to accept them, flickering the lighting green as if giving permission.

“Protocol Overridden.”

A whirring sound rang through the air and Tony spun to the back wall where his suits were as Mark 15, an old model built to withstand nuclear firing began to power up.

“Whoa, Jarvis, what are you doing?” 

“Complying with reenacted protocol Home Alone and showing you the boys. Also: Protocol Boo-Boo Prevention requires I inform you if their vitals go beyond healthy parameters- Mr. Parker’s vitals are stable, but slightly elevated, indicating stress. And Mr. Keener’s heart rate is 160 bpm, which is 60-100 too many for an adolescent his age, as further proof of-“

Tony’s heart stopped.

His heart rate was elevated by _ one hundred?! _

He’d left them alone for a few minutes and now they had vanished and something had happened and both were stressed and probably scared and he hadn’t known about it because he hadn’t known about the protocol because his life was a train wreck and he never payed attention to the important things and now the best, brightest things in the entire world, his gravity, his lifeline, were suffering from his own idiotic inadequatcies-

“Sir- if you can not control your breathing, I will have to activate Break The Chain protocol and remove you from Mr. Parker’s and Mr. Keener’s presence.”

Tony’s heart stopped again. 

Break The Chain.

His mind flashed back to the terrible day he’d made that protocol. The day Spider-Man had gotten hurt and Harley had come begging for him to save him. The day his worthless drunken self had scoffed and chucked a tequila bottle at Harley’s head. The day he’d woken up from OD-ing in the Hospital Wing with Peter and Harley lying unconscious in the beds beside him. The day Peter had woken up hysterical with worry for him and Harley had woken up with that sad, forgiving smile on his face. The day he swore off alcohol and made the protocol to stop him from ever endangering them again.

And now, when something was really wrong and they needed him- Jarvis was about to deem him unfit to save them.

_ Get ahold of yourself Stark! _Tony growled inside his mind, forcing his non compliant lungs to breath.

_ Breath, you useless drunk! You will not let that happen again! Get control of your worthless backside and save them! _

“I’m good- I’m good.” Tony gasped raggedly, shoving the anxiety writhing in his stomach into a tight ball deep down, forcing his eyes to fix on the suit across the room. 

He would not fail them again.

“Very good, Sir.”

The breastplate of Mark 15 detached from the suit, darting across the room horizontally, before setting gently on the table beside Tony.

Tony looked down and his heart stopped.

There, nestled inside the breastplate, with big blue orbs filled with tears and sandy blond hair was an infant. And there, standing on the infant’s chest, shoving a gel screwdriver’s handle into the infant’s mouth, was a four inch tall Spider-Man.

“Heeeeey, Mr. Stark!” A tiny voice squeaked. “How’s Mr. Colonel Rhodes?” 

Calmly, Tony took a step away from the table and forced himself to look away-

Oh, look! There was the wall. It really did look good with that IronMan portrait on it. Yeah.

“Hey J?” He asked casually, unable to look at anything but the acrylic reactor’s painted glow.

“Yes Sir.”

“Scan me, any toxins in my blood? Heart failure? Are the pills hallucinogens?” His calm mask cracked a little on the last word, the terror pumping through his veins bleeding out.

“Your Blood is clean, your heart is functioning within it’s normal parameters and you haven’t taken the insomnia pills in three weeks.”

“_ So this is real?! _” He hadn’t meant to shout it. The words just sort of tumbled out of him without his permission.

He heard a shaky breath from the table he was absolutely not looking at, followed immediately by pitiful cries and squeaky soothings.

“It’s okay Har, it’s alright, everything’s gonna be okay-“

“If by that you mean, is Mr. Parker really three inches and four centimeters tall, and is Mr. Keener really a toddler of a year and two months, then yes, this is real.”

Okay. Okay.

He wouldn’t panic. He would stand here and stare at that painting and he would not panic. Because if he panicked he would become a danger to Harley and Peter. And if he became a danger to Harley and Peter, Jarvis would initiate Break The Chain Protocol And remove him. And if Jarvis removed him, he couldn’t save Harley and Peter. 

The Harley and Peter who were now an infant and four inches tall.

He would not panic.

He would not panic.

He would _ not _panic!

He was going to calmly call Pep like he always did when a situation that warranted panicking-no he wouldn’t.

Because he and Pepper were fighting.

Because he knew that he couldn’t be responsible for a little life because everyone he loved died and he’d told her she and their unborn child would be better off without him. And she’d left.

And now he was responsible for two little lives. Without her.

Or Rhodey or Happy. 

Alone.

He stared at the IronMan painting- he couldn’t look away. But in his mind's eye it morphed- it’s grays and red’s swirling until it was Peter and Harley, side by side, gray and still, beautiful chocolate brown and ocean blue eyes staring unseeingly above, red pooling beneath them. 

Dead. Because everyone he loved died.

Tears stung his eyes as a hot knife stabbed his heart.

Now they would die too. 

And their only hope rested in the worthless hands of the man who’d condemned them.

But he would not panic! 

Stealing a sharp breath, Tony tore away from the blurred painting, looking down at the boys in the breastplate. Tears were streaming down Harley’s cheeks and he whimpered around the screwdriver handle as he caught sight of Tony. Peter who was braced against the screwdrivers metal body, heard the sound and looked up, his face brightening into a smile but his eyes clouded with wariness.

“Okay Underoos, what’s with the screwdriver?”

He was going to stay calm and figure out the facts and turn them back.

He was not going to panic.

Peter’s smile turned sheepish and he glanced at the gel handle in Harley’s mouth.

“Um… pacifier?”

The kid seemed unsure of the genius of the action now that it was being questioned. Frowning as though wondering if perhaps sticking a metal tool into an infant's mouth was actually not one of his brightest ideas.

“And why does Harley need a pacifier?” Peter glanced down at the baby beneath him before looking back a Tony, stealing a large breath and:

“_ He’sababyandhe’sscaredsohewouldn’tstopcryingwhichwasbadbecausethenyouwouldknowweweretryingtofixAnt-Man’techwellIwastryingtofixithesortofjustwantedtodosomethingweweren’tallowedtodowitchiswhyIputthehandleinbecauseIreallylikeworkingherewithyouandHarleyandIthoughtmaybeitwouldwearoffbutthenitdidn’tandIthinkitmightbeagoodthingyoufoundusbecauseIthinkI’mtoosmalltotakecareofababyanddoyouthinkIshouldtakethescrewdriveroutofhismouthbecausenowthatIthinkaboutitIdon’tthinkyoursupposedtoputscrewdriversinbabies’mouthsandwhatifit’shurtinghim?” _

He said it all in one breath, his squeaky high voice already promising to ensure the headache building on Tony’s temples, so it took Tony a few delayed seconds before his brain caught up with the words. His head snapped to Peter in time to see the little person frowning down at the enormous screwdriver worriedly.

“Is that why your so upset, Har? The screwdriver?” Harley let out a pitiful whine, large tears overfilling his startling blue eyes and streaking down his cheeks. Peter bit his lip and looked up Tony helplessly.

Okay. 

Okay.

He could fix this.

He had to fix this.

“Alright, Grounded Babies: eyes on me-“

They turned to him- even the infant- er, _ Harley _. 

Their eyes were so big- so trusting! Like they thought he hung the stars in the sky.

It stole his breath-

He couldn’t do this.

He _ knew _he couldn’t do this!

He’d programmed his cards to freeze if he tried to buy alcohol.

He’d made the protocols to protect the boys from him so he’d never hurt them again.

_ He’d abandoned his fiance’ and unborn child because he knew he couldn’t do it! _

But if he couldn’t-if he didn’t even try-

He was their only hope.

“Listen up, Buttercups! We’re going to get you back in three simple steps. One: we’re going to call your people and tell them your staying here for important Internship business.”Tony realized the flaw in his statement and amended it slightly:

“Keener, I recommend letting Peter do most of the talking. Two: We’re going to get you back, obviously. All the money required will be funded out of your paychecks for the trouble you’ve caused-“ Peter’s eyes bulged, though Harley didn’t even blink, staring at something off in the distance in fascination.

“We get paid?! I thought the payment was working with Tony Stark!”

“That’s what your supposed to think- it’s called a college fund, Step Three is my personal favorite, boys: Ground Baby Brats Until They Die.”

Tony stole as shaky breath and looked down, frowning as he registered what he was seeing. 

He sighed.

“Step 0.5: get that screwdriver out of Harley’s mouth!”

  
  
  
  



End file.
